Convoluted Feminism

What a lovely woman! Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie's TED talk on being feminist is quite captivating. It's a real eye-opener to hear of the way African women are regarded as "lower" than men, even to the point that they are not believed to be capable to earning their own money.

While I do agree with her wholeheartedly that we, indeed, should all be feminists, I feel it must be reiterated that men and women are equal in dignity, but they are different in many ways. For one, men and women think differently: men look at the big picture, women look at the details; in meeting other people, men focus on credentials, women focus on connections. Those are just some general differences.

So it really shouldn't be a surprise that there are activities that are considered "men's work" or "women's work." They are just what we naturally gravitate to. Men are asked to do "men's work" (cleaning the car, carrying heavy objects) because their bodies are stronger; women are asked to do "women's work" (sewing, cooking, cleaning) because they notice the little things better. And just because we have these social expectations that men and women do these specific things, it shouldn't stop people from trying their hand at the other sex's "specific" task. Men can cook, and women can fix cars, if they want--that's really just a matter of choice.

I want to emphasize that we are different, and that's a jolly good thing! Adichie's feminism is great--she wants to create a world where women are seen as capable individuals, who can support themselves and be good citizens, without having to give up their femininity. We women do not have to dress up like men to be taken seriously. We can wear a pretty dress and accessorize (like Adichie's very dignified style in the video) and be taken seriously, as a person whose opinion matters.

What I don't understand is that these days most feminists forget that our femininity is not just about wearing lipstick or floral frocks. Our femininity is in our biological makeup, too; particularly, in our ability to get pregnant.

I get really confused with this logic: feminists (particularly those who sparked the sexual revolution in the 1960's) more often than not demand that women must be like men sexually: that is to say, we must have the "right" to sleep with whomever we want without "being punished with a baby." This is the reason behind all that gab about the Pill, condoms, IUDs, and whatever-have-yous that they invented. They just want to stop women's bodies from doing the natural feminine thing.

I am reacting to this video because I found it funny for a feminist to mention that it was unfair that women are expected to be chaste, but men are not. Why would it be a bad thing for society to expect women to be chaste? What I think is really wrong with this picture is not that society expects women to be chaste, but rather that it doesn't expect men to be!

Consider this: nobody goes around saying that women should be patient but men don't have to be. Or that men should be diligent but women need not be. This is further proof that we are equal: virtue is equally demanded of both sexes.

I think the kind of feminism people should have is not one that tries to make women more like men using a convoluted concept of equality. Women's equality with men is in the fact that they have the same dignity as human beings. Beyond that, women and men are different but complimentary, and any effort to equalize them by removing femininity (or masculinity) from the picture is just pointless.

"The woman who thinks she can choose femininity, can toy with it like the social drinker toys with wine--well, she's asking for it, asking to be undone, devoured, asking to spend her life perpetrating a new fraud, manufacturing a new fake identity, only this time it's her equality that's fake."-Rachel Cusk

I'd love to love you, but...

"This is the day your dreams come true!"
"What do you know about my dreams, Gaston?"

I've always thought about rejection as a form of character building, for ladies as much as for the gents. When a guy likes a girl, it's only natural that he tries to get to know her, make friends with her, and then later on pursue and court her. But when he gets rejected, it's an occasion to man up and perhaps pursue other things in the meantime, as the heart mends, and he moves on.

On the other hand, a lady finds herself in a more difficult position. Say, she does not like the guy at all. She has to find a way to let him know that without being uncharitable. If, say, she likes him but does not see him as a boyfriend (that is, future husband) for one reason or another, then that's another type of problem: how do you reject someone and still be friends? The last situation I can think of is if the guy is making his advances even when it's clear that the girl is unavailable, like when she has a boyfriend (!), a husband (!!), or a vocation (!!!). In these situations, the character building lies in the girl's fortitude: how to make and stand by a decision, and carry out that decision with a lot of love.

This song by the Corrs is about a girl rejecting the love offered by a guy. It's actually a very kind rejection song haha. But I think it sums up how a lady can do this with a lot of love: telling the truth, praying for the person, and trusting that time will heal all wounds. Here's the song, with the lyrics below. Enjoy!


 

LOVE TO LOVE YOU - The Corrs

I would love to love you like you do me,
I'd love to love you like you do me,
There's a pillar in my way you see,
I'd love to love you like you do me,

I, met you on a sunny Autumn day,

You instantly attracted me, when asking for the way,
God if I had known the pain I'd make you feel,
I would have stopped this thought of us, and turned upon my heel,

Though you should leave me,
Time make it be alright,
Though you must leave me,
Time will help you see the light,
You don't need me,
Time make it be alright,
Though you must leave me,
Believe me when I tell you,

I would love to love you like you do me,
I'd love to love you like you do me,
There's a pillar in my way you see,
I'd love to love you like you do me,

You recognised my barrier to love,
I know there's nothing worse than unrequited love, unrequited love,
So I prayed to God that I could give the love you gave to me,
But something's lying in my way, preventing it to be,

Though you should leave me,
Time make it be alright,
Though you must leave me,
Believe me when I tell you,

I would love to love you like you do me,
I'd love to love you like you do me,
There's a pillar in my way you see,
I'd love to love you like you do me,

I would love to love you like you do me,
I'd love to love you like you do me,
There's a pillar in my way you see,
I'd love to love you like you do me,

Break those pillars down,
Break those pillars down,
Take those pillars down, down, down,
Oh, take those pillars down,
Love to love you like you do me,
Break those pillars down,
Love to love you like you do me,
Oh take those pillars down,
Love to love you,
Love to love you,
Love to love you,
Love to love you,
Take those pillars down,
Love to love you...

"Purity Ring 3000"

Ever heard of the Purity Ring 3000? Of course, this video is just a joke, but imagine if it were true. Would the wearers always be on their extreme guard? Would men's magazines become obsolete? How many furry creatures would die a laser-light death?

Funny as it is, I don't think such a snazzy contraption can actually teach anyone what purity really means. Because purity is a virtue acquired by making a conscious decision to live it despite being surrounded by obstacles.

Here, let's put it another way: I read in a work of fiction once--one of those books from George R.R. Martin's A Song of Ice and Fire--about a religious order of women called the "Silent sisters." In the story, it is rumored that the silent sisters are all mutes, their tongues cut off as initiation to the order. But it turns out to be a myth, as one of the characters rationalizes, saying something to the line of: what kind of vow is promising not to speak when you already got your tongue cut off?

That's the beauty of freedom: it lets us choose not to. We have the resources to eat all the ice cream we want, but we don't because we want to stay healthy. We have the time to take it easy and only do what we feel like doing but we don't because we know how doing our work now will benefit many people. Obviously our choices make us who we are--by either making us grow in virtue or sink in vice.

Choosing purity is an exercise of true freedom--you choose it because you know it is good for you, even if it may be difficult, especially when lots of people tell you it's impossible. If you have constant recourse to prayer (and the sacraments), guard your heart, and uphold modesty, it becomes easier to stand your ground, sans the help of pseudo high-tech gadgets.

"Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it's always your choice." - Wayne Dyer