More than a rule

Image from Etsy.

I am always pleased when celebrities speak for chastity, because it gives the virtue a popularity boost, if you know what I mean. But I've always had the feeling that something crucial is missing in such stories. For one, the tone in which they are written sounds like they're saying: "It's so unusual that people still follow this rule lol." I guess we can credit them for trying, but chastity is more than a "rule."

Missing thing #1 - It's not just for singles
In the media, it seems only singles are qualified to be chaste. In reality, it doesn't mean that when you get married, chastity flies out the window. Chastity is a virtue for life; it is important for everyone whether they are single or married. It is not exclusive to singles and the religious.

Married people are chaste when they treat sex as it should be: a gift that unifies the couple that should be open to life, exclusive, and self-giving.

Missing thing #2 - It's not just "no sex"
Another media treatment I notice is that "no sex" is considered the only qualification for chastity. In truth, for a person to have the virtue, he should be chaste in thoughts, words, and actions. It should shine from a person's very being. Even one's choice in clothing should be a result of living chastity. Modesty is not called the "little sister" of chastity for nothing.

Missing thing #3 - It's not just for Christians
Frankly, I get annoyed when the media point out that celebrities who promote chastity are Christian, as if it's only for Christians. Chastity is for everybody because it is a virtue. No person is exempt from having certain virtues just because they don't practice some religion.

Love better, live better
Chastity is one of those virtues that sets the tone or creates a foundation for other virtues to develop. If a person practices chastity, he finds it easier to practice so many other virtues: self-mastery, modesty, thinking of the others, charity, patience, generosity, responsibility, respect... without chastity, all these virtues fall flat, much like having beautiful, expensive furniture but in a room that is very dirty.

More than a rule, chastity is a quality that takes struggle and discipline to acquire, but once you start fighting to have it, it disposes you to love better. You just love better because you respect the other person, you are willing to wait for the right time, you are open to life, and you wholeheartedly commit yourself to this person (and to your would-be children)--till death do you part.

Therefore...
Just because "not many people practice it anymore" doesn't mean chastity should be treated like a funny abnormal thing. On the contrary, it is a very beautiful thing, something everyone must work hard for, because it leads to true happiness.

"The superior man thinks always of virtue; the common man thinks of comfort."-Confucius

Writing to fashion magazines

Writeshop Part 2

Influencing Public Opinion

Humanizing Fashion

September 26, 2015, 2-5pm

Calayan Cultural Center

I'm inviting women young professionals (or any lady who likes to read fashion magazines and wants to promote modesty) to attend this talk we are organizing. We want to teach readers to write feedback letters to the media in order to help change the culture, even in a small way. 

Besides the "Humanizing Fashion" talk by Alou de Asis, there will be a practical workshop on writing letters. Learn how to compose letters that get your entire message across, and to make it diplomatic if what you want to say is a correction or criticism.

As media consumers, we have the right to say what we like to see or read about. So, come to our talk and find out how we can say what we think in the best way possible!

"Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing."-Benjamin Franklin

Listen to Daddy

I really find this cartoon funny:

It's from Star Wars: Vader's Little Princess by Jeffrey Brown. While I don't think Vader was actually lucky enough to raise his twins (there's a Luke version of this book, too, called Darth Vader and Son), I find the concept amusing, and the book a pleasant read (those illustrations are so charming!).

It revolves around the idea that, if Darth Vader was able to raise his own kids, what kind of parent would he have been? It's funny, because you have all these images, depicting scenes of one of the most awesome/awful villains of all time... doing just the things every ordinary parent does.

The picture above is one of those things that parents always do--particularly dads. And if, like me, you don't have brothers, it's wise to listen to Papa Dear before going out the door--and I don't mean just before a date, but also for any occasion. Dads, being men, know how men will see you if you wear a particular outfit. Needless to say, anything too short at the bottom, too low at the top, or bare at the back will not pass a father's standards--so why should it pass yours?

When it comes to modesty and appropriate attire, sometimes the rules of proper skirt lengths, sleeve lengths, or collar cuts can feel really stifling. Instead of such rules I prefer going the practical way, like: clothes have to help you move around with ease, bend without worry, and take the bus/jeep/train without coming undone. But of course, when you feel that you don't know better, take a leaf from the Vader  book and rely on a trusted source--and the rule goes: If you have to sneak out of the house so Daddy doesn't see you wearing that thing, better change it now.

“I believe that what we become depends on what our fathers teach us at odd moments, when they aren't trying to teach us. We are formed by little scraps of wisdom.”-Umberto Eco, Foucault's Pendulum

The practical points of dressing with dignity

I admit that sometimes I make mistakes with my own clothing choices, being a girl who likes to look pretty in a culture that insists prettiness lies in showing off long legs or toned arms or whatever. But from these mistakes I've learned a few things: one is that "pretty" is a word more commonly used to describe the face, second, that if you want to be pretty, you can use make up and smile, and finally, that there's nothing pretty about constantly worrying if your skirt is riding up.

I'm not going to delve into figures of proper skirt length or sleeve length--there's nothing quite so annoying as constantly measuring lengths while shopping for clothes!--but there really are some practical reasons why you want to dress with dignity. Here are a few practical reasons, with matching tips! (All images from fashion.teenvogue.com)

"The most practical kind of politics is the politics of decency."-Theodore Roosevelt

You know the answer

Cute sleeves, no? I wish there were more wedding dresses with creative sleeves!
Photo from little white dress by bonnie b. in Teen Vogue Fashion Click.

A week ago, I heard a story about a couple who were planning to get married in the church near my home. They came in and inspected the place, asked the priest a couple of questions. After some small talk, the girl brought up something that she seemed to have been meaning to ask since the beginning. She brought out a sketch of a dress, showed it to the priest, and asked, "Father, do you have strict rules on the bridal gown? Can I wear a dress like this?"

The priest took one look at the sketch, sighed, and said, "We don't have explicit rules on what you can or can't wear on your wedding day. But I'm sure you already know my answer to your question."

Now, why did the priest say this? When it comes to modesty, many people get turned off by the existence of explicit rules. From the obvious rules like "No plunging neckline," "No backless," "No diaper shorts," to the seemingly OA "Short skirts should end just above the knee," or "No collar lower than two finger-widths below the collar bone," these rules seem too stiff and tyrannical. It's not at all surprising: Clothing is a form of expression, and don't we all just love to fight for our freedom of expression?

That said, what the bride-to-be did was try to get the priest to say "yes" when in fact she knew all along that the answer was "no." We vain girls know there are rules, but we don't want to follow these rules so we try to find a loophole--an excuse! If a lady really understands that--beyond being merely a form of expression--clothing is a way of loving the One who made us in His image and likeness, then she will really take these rules seriously.

If you think about it, they aren't "rules" at all--at least not the way traffic rules are rules. The high standards in good  dressing actually stem from the desire to please the people you respect, the people you love. On your wedding day, your dress should express the love you have for God and your husband-to-be, as they are the most important on that big day. Obviously, when you give a very special gift, you would wrap it properly, right? What more if this special gift is you?

After a long silence, the hubby-to-be teased, "Father, you're right. Maybe if she could wear that, I should be in a tank and shorts!"

"And I should be in swimming trunks!" the priest added, laughing.    

I don't know whether the couple decided in the end to tie the knot in that church and redesign the dress, or if they persisted to look for a church that would allow the bride-to-be to wear the gown in the sketch. But one thing is for sure: when it comes to dressing well, women shouldn't look at the latest trends. Clothing is a form of expression, but it's more than a pastiche of your favorite fashion mag looks! Forget vanity--real beauty, expressed in one's clothing choices, stems from love, which is found deep inside a person.

Doesn't that just mean that a wedding dress, more than any other attire for special occasions, should be a dress that reflects a true, pure, beautiful, and self-giving kind of love?


"After all there is something about a wedding-gown prettier than in any other gown in the world."-Douglas William Jerrold

Beachy beachy

Day at the Beach by nikko1 featuring a stripe bikini

It's this blog's first summer! And because it's 38.4C outside (according to the news, that's the hottest this year yet) AND it's a Saturday, I decided I can afford to daydream about the beach.

Last year, I asked a bunch of parents where they love to go with their family in the summertime. While everyone said the beach, none of them chose Boracay. Why? Because it's not exactly family-friendly. Sure the water is blue, and the sand is fine, but the activities in Boracay cater more to the gimik-crowd: the ones who want to go partying and staying up all night.

Besides that, there's the beach fashion. Not family-friendly at all!

So...
High temperatures are no excuse to dress indecently. The truth is, you can stay cool without having to lounge about in your underwear (or their wearable-in-public fashionable cousin, the bikini). Just take a cue from the Polyvore set I made above. The trick to staying cool lies not in the amount of fabric (if it did, maxi dresses would be toasty) but in the kind of fabric, the fit of the clothes, and the color.

Some notes:
Cool fabrics
Cotton, linen, rayon let the most air in, making the clothes "breathable."

Cool fit
Loose clothing like big shirts and flowy dresses are cooler for summer because they don't cause chafing.

Cool colors
Anything that is not very dark or black is cool. You know that light is made up of different color waves. All objects reflect some light and absorb all the rest. For example, if a shirt is yellow, it means it reflects the yellow waves but absorbs all the other color waves. A red shirt reflects only red waves. But the black shirt reflects no waves, and that's why we see black. That means black shirts are the best shirts for trapping heat fast. And that's why more people like wearing white in summer.

If you really like dark colors, there's always stripes!
Image from themavenpost.com: Vogue Girl Korea, May 2011.

May these tips help you in your quest for dressing modestly in a season that encourages the opposite. Have a cool summer!

To see the Summer Sky
Is Poetry, though never in a Book it lie -
True Poems flee.
-Emily Dickinson

The Hunger Games

I read all three books of Suzanne Collins' The Hunger Games Trilogy in the span of a week because I couldn't put them down. (That's saying a lot for me because I'm a slow reader.) There's so much to discuss about the series, but I can't tackle them all here. Maybe I'll get around to it in my other blog.

So in the books you follow Katniss Everdeen, the sharp-shooting, braid-wearing girl-on-fire from District 12. She volunteers to replace her sister at the reaping, which is when people get picked for the annual Hunger Games, a fight-to-the-death fully-televised reality game show for all of Panem to see. If you've read Shirley Jackson's The Lottery, the reaping's something like that. If you've read William Golding's The Lord of the Flies, the HG's something like that, too--except that it's set in some dystopian world, and the kids are really forced to kill each other by some sadistic, fearful, power-hungry grown-ups. 

Stills from the Hunger Games movie (2012)
 

If you've read the Twilight series, then--no matter how different Katniss and Bella Swan are--you know that the two female leads have at least one thing in common: they both are comfortable with the idea of sharing a bed with a guy (just literally sharing), and both talk about it like it's an ordinary occurrence anywhere. If anything, this comes across to me as more media mileage for The Twilight Myth.

To her credit, Collins doesn't make her characters say one thing and do another. The lying together in bed is explained as a way for Katniss and fellow tribute Peeta Mellark to cope with the nightmares that come with being in the Hunger Games. I mean, how can you not be disturbed when you've been forced to kill all the other kids just so you could survive, right?

Right.

So what's the lesson here? 
Perhaps there's nothing surprising about Katniss and Peeta finding comfort in each other's arms during the night. Actually, there's a scientific explanation for it.

Ever heard of oxytocin? Oxytocin is a hormone that your body releases when you're particularly close to someone. Moms and babies have it when they're breastfeeding--it propagates a sense of trust between the two.

The same thing happens when it comes to other people: a Katniss and a Peeta can say they sleep together to forget their nightmares. They can justify all they want about nothing happening and it being harmless and all, but it doesn't change the fact that by sharing a night together, they've taught their bodies to trust--who knows--someone they weren't supposed to in the first place.

This means...
When it comes to finding true love, a little distance is necessary. But the real reason is more than not wanting to muddle your own judgement. If you really love someone, you do not want him to muddle his judgement.

Respect, selfless love, and caring for the other's welfare... all these things come into play in real-life relationships. And contrary to what popular authors would have us believe, the best way to give them is to take a step back.


"So near is falsehood to truth that a wise man would do well not to trust himself on the narrow edge."-Marcus Tullius Cicero

That's what friends are for

It's a fact of life that friends influence one another. But most of the time, people assume it's bad influence! Why not spread what's good? Here, some questions regarding friendship and your role as an advocate of pure love:

What do I do if a friend wears a blouse with a plunging neckline or super short shorts?

As a woman, you understand how the lines of appropriate dressing can be blurred in the name of fashion. So instead of giving your friend rules like "Only wear shirts with sleeves and a neckline two fingers below the collarbone or higher," or "Only wear skirts up to the knees or longer," which, honestly, do seem to leave too little room for personal opinions, share with her some fashion magazine pictures that show women in stylish and modest clothes. Or go shopping together! With perseverance, your friendship and fashion advice can help her see that there is true freedom in choosing to dress with dignity. Plus, you both come out more stylish for it!

How can I help an unmarried friend who tells me she is pregnant?

She needs you more than ever, so don't abandon her! Listen to her, ask her how she is, and pray for her. Help her to want to make only the good choices from now on. People can be cruel to women in this situation; they gossip about her, call her names, and some even suggest abortion! As her friend, you should love her more. Don't lie to her, though: don't tell her what she did was right! But do help her see that there is always hope, even in the worst cases, and that you're gonna be there to help her make the best of the situation and get back up again. And perhaps, someday, when she's ready, she can make a good confession, which never fails to make one feel deeply happy! 

As an ordinary girl, what can I do to promote pure love?

Live it. In the way you act, in the way you dress, and in the way you speak, you're already promoting a certain stand on how a lady should behave. I'm not saying you should put on a show every minute; if purity of heart is something you deeply care about, then it will naturally flow from you! Keep on studying, strengthening and growing in your faith--that is the foundation of pure love. And keep praying for wisdom, courage, the right words, and cheerfulness--those are your fuel and ammunition. 

Then, infect all of your friends.   

"Blessed is the influence of one true, loving human soul on another."-George Eliot

On Happy Hearts week...

...let's talk about gifts!

It's a common practice to give gifts on Valentine's Day: chocolates, flowers, cards, and handmade stuff. At the very least, Valentine's is an occasion to share and be thoughtful. But because of advertising and marketing, it's become some overblown special day--another excuse to spend.

As my post comes too late for V-Day itself, this won't be a list of tipid tips or ideas for handmade cards. Because the day is all about love, however, this is a good time to talk about pure love as a gift. How could pure love be a gift?

Enter Kylie Bisutti.

Kylie joined a Victoria's Secret modeling contest in 2009 and won. She says she was newly married at the time--and gradually her marriage brought about a change of heart. Just last week she made it to the headlines announcing that she was going to stop modeling lingerie, which, in her words, "isn't clothing."

In an interview for Good Morning America, she says, "Just very recently, [I've been] growing in my relationship with the Lord, and my faith. I'm a strong-believing Christian. I just became so convicted about wanting to honor my husband... and wanting to be a role model for other women out there."

In a different interview, she says, "I just want to do everything I can to keep my marriage special. My body should only be for my husband and it's just a sacred thing."

What's the lesson here? 

Now, I'm not gonna write about the best gift ladies can give their future husbands because I think Kylie Bisutti has made that point clear enough.... I want this lesson to be for the guys.

When the interviewer (at Good Morning America) asks Kylie what her husband thought about her modelling, she answers that he was supportive, but adds, "I'm just so thankful that he let me grow, and let me come to this decision on my own. He obviously prayed about it. I know that now, after talking to him."

Kylie and her hubby Mike Bisutti. Image from Denimblog.

Sometimes, women buy the idea that, to be beautiful, they have to show people what they've got. If they're not careful, they also fall into that frame of mind that, to find someone who will love them and not leave them, girls have to give up everything. It is when women think this way that the need for true gentlemen becomes all the more apparent. 

We need men who are real men; men who will love us for who we are and, when we're wrong, lovingly steer us into the right direction through friendship and prayer. More than any fancy chocolate or special card, it's those two things that become the most beautiful and lasting gifts a young lady can receive during this month of hearts! Happy Valentine's Day!

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."-Lao Tzu

'Is there any hope for me?'

Photo from leahdarrow.com

I had a conversation with one of my friends a few weeks ago, and we got to talking about a friend of hers who "lost herself" in a culture of modelling and everything that went with it. One of the things my friend said reminded me of Leah Darrow, who used to be a contestant in America's Next Top Model.

My friend said, how could she (referring to her friend) go back to what it was before if she already gave everything away? And my answer was, look at Leah Darrow.

What Leah says in that video is striking. She says she had a vision that she was at the end of her life, facing God, and offering up to Him the last thing she had ever done--which was posing for a photoshoot wearing something she was ashamed of. Because of it, Leah walked out of the shoot, and out of the modelling world.

This is what a lot of people easily forget: that they can correct the missteps they've made by finding it in themselves to want to change. The most effective first step to a change of heart and a change of lifestyle is to go to confession and talk to a priest. (Don't worry, there's no sin so new that a priest hasn't heard before... and besides, he speaks for God, who loves you!)

It's not about your past (no matter how bad it was)--it's about what you're doing now and to Whom your heart really belongs now. If that weren't true, then there wouldn't be great people like St. Paul or St. Peter. So, in answer to the question heading this post:

Yes, there is always hope as long as the person is willing to make that change, and to make it a change for good.


"Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future."-Oscar Wilde

Oh brother!

Photographed by Annie Leibovitz for the Metropolitan Opera production of Hansel and Gretel starring Andrew Garfield and Lily Cole.

One of the most difficult writing assignments I had in college involved writing about women's fashion from the point of view of a guy writing for FHM. Our professor said, "To get the idea, you either read the magazine or ask a guy what he thinks about women's clothes, and work from there."

My resulting article had a guy persona poking fun at women who didn't dress with practicality and preferred instead to fall prey to fashion dictates like mini skirts, tube tops and peeking thong underwear (the "in" thing back then). My guy self pointed out things like how a short skirt would not allow a girl to sit properly and much less to climb a jeep with dignity, how a tube top would have to be pulled up every 5 seconds, and how thong undies never seemed to accomplish what they were made to do (that is, to stay hidden). The finished piece made people laugh, but it had one critical point: it did not read like it got published in FHM.

"You didn't read FHM? So who did you ask?" said the prof.

I said, "My friend's brother!"

Young women who have brothers are very lucky--and please don't think I'm just saying that because I don't have one.

Brothers who really care will give you invaluable insights on the young men who knock on the door, not to mention tips on how to dress better on a date. (And he doesn't need to be reading a fashion magazine to help you on that. All he needs is love for you!)

• If your brother tells you that your shorts are too short, then they probably are. He is not being KJ or "conservative." He just has this great advantage of looking at you through the eyes of a guy.
• And if he insults your fashion choices, don't take offense; most likely, it is because he can imagine what that dude who will take you out will think of it (and of you), and it sickens him.

Beyond fashion choices, a brother can be the one to "issue threats" to that Potential Boyfriend of yours if Daddy is not enough, and of course, your Bro has the advantage of being in the same generation as PB so it comes off as friendlier, more laidback and... even cool. Besides, Bro can actually become good friends with PB, too, and that may just give you even more insights on whether PB is someone who will respect and love you for real.

So, make friends with your brother and ask him for advice--and not just when you need to write a paper from the point of view of a guy! :-)

"Sometimes being a brother is even better than being a superhero." -Marc Brown

How to be a knight in shining armor today

Fashion photography by Duc Nguyen

Gentlemen, listen up. Chivalry is not dead. It just changed to suit the times. After all, while there is no need now to joust or challenge anyone to a sword fight to save a lady love, men are still very much expected to respect, protect, care for, and love the women around them.

Here are some things that ladies truly appreciate in the gentlemen who ask them out on a date:

1. He comes in the house to say hi to the family. It may seem very troublesome to park the car somewhere and fetch her, but coming in to greet her parents, siblings, or anybody else at her house is a way of saying, "I'm responsible for her tonight, you can trust me."

2. He sticks to populated places and avoids taking her to private or dark corners. Ok, so maybe he trusts himself that nothing will happen, sure. But by taking his date to a dark corner, he is not taking care of her but putting her in danger. He should consider first how he wants another guy to treat his little sister, and that's how he must treat his date, too.

3. He doesn't crack green jokes. If he does, she might laugh, but all it really accomplishes is to make her think that's the only thing in his noggin.

4. He holds her hand, not her waist. His body language shows that he is with her without making her look cheap or easy.

5. He keeps his promise of bringing her home safely. And he doesn't try anything on her while saying bye-bye!

"Courtesy is as much a mark of a gentleman as courage."-Theodore Roosevelt

How to be a lady

Young Lady In a Boat by James Tissot

10 things.

10. Say thank you.

9. Dress to express your personality, not to show off "what you have."

8. Watch what you say and how you say it. Your words should make you a lady too.

The Gallery of HMS Calcutta by James Tissot

7. Don't lose your temper over petty things. A pretty face with a frown loses all prettiness.

6. But then, it's okay to be angry--if it's to stand up for what is right and proper.

5. Respect other people's opinions, even if you know better. Say, "I see it differently," instead of "I disagree."

4. It's not the shoes. It's where you stroll in them.

A Spring Morning, Haverstock Hill by George Clausen

3. Don't try to be one of the guys. Imagine if they tried to be one of the ladies!

2. Sit up straight and stand up straight--and get your values straight, too.

1. When in doubt, remember Whose daughter you are. ;-)

"Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter what fork you use."-Emily Post