Find a man with a plan!

I just stumbled upon this article in Mercatornet today, and found out that it's been up for a few months already! Where have I been? This is an article article about how women can find the right man for them. Written by Australian teacher, author, and motivational speaker Jonathan E. Doyle and Tamara Rajakariar, it's an easy-to-read Q&A that helps young women navigate through today's highly sexualized culture and come out happy and unscathed (and with a good man, too, hopefully!) in the end. Here's an excerpt--Doyle's tips on spotting what he calls the "man-boy," or the guy girls should not date.

The man-boy is pretty easy to spot. Here are a few tell-tale signs:

1. He lives at home after about 25 years.
2. He is frequently angry and blames others for his anger.
3. He spends large amounts of time playing computer games.
4. He has problems with pornography.
5. He lies, often.
6. He is unsure about career, marriage and fatherhood.
7. He wants sex as soon as possible in the relationship.
8. He has a poor or non-existent relationship with his own father.
9. He is the centre of his own universe.
10.He has problems with alcohol or other substances.
11.He is sexually unfaithful and blames either the situation, women or alcohol for his own choices.
12.He lacks a clear and compelling life vision.

Now, where can I get a copy of this book?

"Immature love says, 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says, 'I need you because I love you.'"-Erich Fromm

The practical points of dressing with dignity

I admit that sometimes I make mistakes with my own clothing choices, being a girl who likes to look pretty in a culture that insists prettiness lies in showing off long legs or toned arms or whatever. But from these mistakes I've learned a few things: one is that "pretty" is a word more commonly used to describe the face, second, that if you want to be pretty, you can use make up and smile, and finally, that there's nothing pretty about constantly worrying if your skirt is riding up.

I'm not going to delve into figures of proper skirt length or sleeve length--there's nothing quite so annoying as constantly measuring lengths while shopping for clothes!--but there really are some practical reasons why you want to dress with dignity. Here are a few practical reasons, with matching tips! (All images from fashion.teenvogue.com)

"The most practical kind of politics is the politics of decency."-Theodore Roosevelt

From "The beauty in waiting"

Great post by Kate Harvey on Tiger Print. :-)

An excerpt:

"This choice that I made for myself when I was just a girl has certainly tested me, challenged me, and made me think over and over again about what my values are and why I believe what I do. But if I could do it over again, I would. Contrary to popular belief on the matter, my choice to wait for my husband has always made me feel more feminine and lovely, not less so; it has given me an inner peace and an esteem for my own worthiness as a woman; it has taught me the real beauty in self-control, as opposed to the fleeting beauty in passion; it has landed me in the loving arms of a man who makes me very, very happy; and it has enabled me to give him a gift I've given no one else."

Read more here.

"A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person."-Mignon McLaughlin

Peltzman effect

One of the questions thrown my way lately is related to the big RH bill debate--it came out of a discussion on why making condoms easily available (i.e., free) in health centers would not be good for society. The question is: "How about you? If somebody gave you a condom for free right now, you wouldn't go crazy-wild and use it, would you?"

Of course not. But, you see, this is exactly the kind of thinking that makes people complacent about allowing condoms or other pseudo-essential medicines to be readily available to anybody who walks in a health center: "It won't change me; so, how can it change society?" You'll be surprised.

WHO campaign for road safety, focused on
seat belt use. See the rest here.

The Peltzman Effect
Have you ever heard of the Peltzman Effect? Economist and University Professor Sam Peltzman, in his studies, noticed that regulations imposed by the government tend to fall short of their goal and even cause the opposite of the intended effect. How so? In a 2004 lecture that Peltzman gave at the AEI-Brookings Joint Center for Regulatory Studies, the University of Chicago professor cites a seat belt car safety regulation as an example. To quote:

"I argued that this regulation would encourage greater risk-taking.... If you are in a hurry and tempted to drive faster or more aggressively part of the price you pay for this is the extra risk of getting into an accident and then suffering injury or even death. The mandated safety devices would reduce this price by reducing the severity of the consequences you could expect if you got into an accident. If those consequences had been sufficiently severe to deter you before the regulation came along they were now less likely to do so. So simple economic logic suggested that, in the aggregate, the mandated devices would encourage more risky behavior--and this great risk taking would offset to some degree the safety benefits these devices seem to promise." (Emphasis is mine.)

It's not that condoms are ineffective (I must emphasize though, that they are not 100 percent effective), but that their mandated availability will do much in promoting risky behavior. In the recent Real Love Revolution talk given by youth speaker Chris Stefanick, a simple comparison brought to light how the Peltzman Effect could apply to RH matters, too.

Chris Stefanick, at the Real Love Revolution 2012, held at the World Trade Center, Sept 1, 2012.  

Stefanick pointed out: "In 1984 was the AIDS breakout in the Philippines and in Thailand at the same time. The response in the Philippines was to promote abstinence; the response of Thailand was to promote condoms. Twenty years later, the rate of AIDS infection in Thailand was 50 times higher than in the Philippines."

Risky behavior
In other words, it's not about the effectiveness of a certain device (or the strength of personal wisdom of individuals) but about the pervading culture of society. If people learn to be more open to risky behavior simply because they have an escape route of sorts, what will we be in 20 years? in 50 years?

"Safe sex" is a lie. Wearing that rubber latex balloon, taking the Pill, or inserting that copper coil contraption do not make the sexual act safer--because really, sex (that is, sex within marriage and with fidelity) is safe to begin with. (Aside: having a baby is a natural effect of the conjugal act and is definitely not the same as getting sick.)

What makes sex unsafe is to have multiple partners, to engage in it outside of marriage and to contracept. With side effects like allergic reactions (condoms), headaches, mood swings, higher breast cancer risk (Pills), and a perforated uterus (IUD), how can it be said that contraceptives (and the latter two, abortifacients) actually make sex safe? If you disagree, it's a good time to look up the word "safe" in the dictionary.

Is it for us?
The condom culture is not something to make light of--it's real and it's happening now: in the US, Europe, Southeast Asia... all over the world. You hear people saying (in a derogative way) that the Philippines is the only country without an RH law--but I want to point out that passing an RH law just to avoid "being left behind" is just plain thoughtless. How about first considering how such laws have changed the family culture of other countries and then deciding whether or not we want that for our country? Consider real safety; and choose a culture that preserves the true meaning of family.

"Your own safety is at stake when your neighbor's wall is ablaze."-Horace

Leah Darrow and Chris Stefanick

Sex education? No, we need love education. It's true that young people need to learn about sex, body parts and having babies, but just those make up an incomplete lesson. (And let's not delve anymore into that big lie called "sexual rights.") What young people need to know today is that sex is a gift--a gift that should be received with responsibility and in the proper time. 

Young people need to understand--not how to get what you want without being, as some famous politician puts it "punished with a baby"--but the role that sex plays in strengthening commitments, raising a happy family, and filling a home with love.

With that, let me invite you all to an interesting conference.

   

---

Real Love Revolution 2012 is here again! Join hundreds of Filipino youth in the World Trade Center, on Sept. 1, Saturday, 1:00-5:00pm. The speakers are Leah Darrow and Christ Stefanick.

Photo from St. Loius Review

Leah Darrow was one of the contestants in America's Next Top Model. She used to be a professional model before she switched career paths. Now, she is a full-time apologist for Catholic Answers, and goes to different places to give talks on chastity and modesty.

Photo from The Love of Christ Impels

Chris Stefanick is an accomplished musician and the director of Youth, Young Adult and Campus Ministry in the Archdiocese of Denver, Colorado. He is also an experienced speaker who understands young people.

Real Love Revolution 2012 is a chastity conference organized by CATALYST, the student organization of University of Asia and the Pacific (UA&P), and supported by the Catholic Bishops' Conference of the Philippines-Episcopal Commission on Family and Life (CBCP-ECFL). 

Tickets are at P50, P100 and P200. For more information, please contact tel. no. 637-09-12 local 277, cellphone 0908-864-84-91, or email realloverevolution2012@gmail.com. Check out more details at http://www.positiveagent.org/whats-happening/4-updates/39-real-love-revolution-2012

"The real ornament of woman is her character, her purity."-Mahatma Gandhi

You know the answer

Cute sleeves, no? I wish there were more wedding dresses with creative sleeves!
Photo from little white dress by bonnie b. in Teen Vogue Fashion Click.

A week ago, I heard a story about a couple who were planning to get married in the church near my home. They came in and inspected the place, asked the priest a couple of questions. After some small talk, the girl brought up something that she seemed to have been meaning to ask since the beginning. She brought out a sketch of a dress, showed it to the priest, and asked, "Father, do you have strict rules on the bridal gown? Can I wear a dress like this?"

The priest took one look at the sketch, sighed, and said, "We don't have explicit rules on what you can or can't wear on your wedding day. But I'm sure you already know my answer to your question."

Now, why did the priest say this? When it comes to modesty, many people get turned off by the existence of explicit rules. From the obvious rules like "No plunging neckline," "No backless," "No diaper shorts," to the seemingly OA "Short skirts should end just above the knee," or "No collar lower than two finger-widths below the collar bone," these rules seem too stiff and tyrannical. It's not at all surprising: Clothing is a form of expression, and don't we all just love to fight for our freedom of expression?

That said, what the bride-to-be did was try to get the priest to say "yes" when in fact she knew all along that the answer was "no." We vain girls know there are rules, but we don't want to follow these rules so we try to find a loophole--an excuse! If a lady really understands that--beyond being merely a form of expression--clothing is a way of loving the One who made us in His image and likeness, then she will really take these rules seriously.

If you think about it, they aren't "rules" at all--at least not the way traffic rules are rules. The high standards in good  dressing actually stem from the desire to please the people you respect, the people you love. On your wedding day, your dress should express the love you have for God and your husband-to-be, as they are the most important on that big day. Obviously, when you give a very special gift, you would wrap it properly, right? What more if this special gift is you?

After a long silence, the hubby-to-be teased, "Father, you're right. Maybe if she could wear that, I should be in a tank and shorts!"

"And I should be in swimming trunks!" the priest added, laughing.    

I don't know whether the couple decided in the end to tie the knot in that church and redesign the dress, or if they persisted to look for a church that would allow the bride-to-be to wear the gown in the sketch. But one thing is for sure: when it comes to dressing well, women shouldn't look at the latest trends. Clothing is a form of expression, but it's more than a pastiche of your favorite fashion mag looks! Forget vanity--real beauty, expressed in one's clothing choices, stems from love, which is found deep inside a person.

Doesn't that just mean that a wedding dress, more than any other attire for special occasions, should be a dress that reflects a true, pure, beautiful, and self-giving kind of love?


"After all there is something about a wedding-gown prettier than in any other gown in the world."-Douglas William Jerrold

The right man

'Nuff said.

"Don't say, 'That's the way I am--it's my character.' It's your lack of character. Esto vir!--Be a man!" - St. Josemaria Escriva

'I thought she was smart'

Whenever I hear the words "I thought she was smart" in reference to a piece of news about someone getting pregnant out of wedlock, I always sincerely hope the speaker is referring to prudence, modesty and chastity, because if anything, those are the three things a young woman really needs in a culture that is permissive of sexual intimacy outside of marriage.

But language being what it is, I can't help noticing how such a comment can have a double meaning--doesn't "smart" sound a bit too... calculating? Something like, "Hey if this lady thought ahead and took some form of contraception, then she wouldn't be having this problem right now."

That comment actually makes me ask: would contraception have done anything good for the young woman in this situation? Sure, you could say the contraception works; she doesn't get pregnant. What then? Does the doing the deed make her happier? their relationship stronger? Does getting what she wants now build her character? Is she helping her boyfriend grow in virtue? How will a contraceptive mindset help them both when they're married?

Not to mention the many what ifs:
What if the contraception doesn't work? (No contraception method is 100% efficient)
What if the boyfriend leaves her eventually?
What if she gets sick?


Non-existent
Contraception becomes easy to accept if you only look at short term goals--and that's exactly why contraception is unacceptable. Because when it comes to finding true love, there is no such thing as a short term goal. Contraception doesn't help anyone grow in the virtues of selflessness, self mastery, temperance, and generosity--all of which a person needs in marriage. And what is a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship if not a preparation for marriage? that is, a marriage that lasts?

Forget "smart." IQ has nothing to do with having the will to save it for the person who respects you, loves you, and treats you well. What matters is having your heart in the right place, and making up your mind not to give it up at the wrong time and circumstance--for your protection, and his!

You want a love that lasts, right? So, don't calculate... wait.


"The sea does not reward those who are too anxious, too greedy, or too impatient. One should lie empty, open, choiceless as a beach--waiting for a gift from the sea."-Anne Morrow Lindbergh

"Purity Ring 3000"

Ever heard of the Purity Ring 3000? Of course, this video is just a joke, but imagine if it were true. Would the wearers always be on their extreme guard? Would men's magazines become obsolete? How many furry creatures would die a laser-light death?

Funny as it is, I don't think such a snazzy contraption can actually teach anyone what purity really means. Because purity is a virtue acquired by making a conscious decision to live it despite being surrounded by obstacles.

Here, let's put it another way: I read in a work of fiction once--one of those books from George R.R. Martin's A Song of Ice and Fire--about a religious order of women called the "Silent sisters." In the story, it is rumored that the silent sisters are all mutes, their tongues cut off as initiation to the order. But it turns out to be a myth, as one of the characters rationalizes, saying something to the line of: what kind of vow is promising not to speak when you already got your tongue cut off?

That's the beauty of freedom: it lets us choose not to. We have the resources to eat all the ice cream we want, but we don't because we want to stay healthy. We have the time to take it easy and only do what we feel like doing but we don't because we know how doing our work now will benefit many people. Obviously our choices make us who we are--by either making us grow in virtue or sink in vice.

Choosing purity is an exercise of true freedom--you choose it because you know it is good for you, even if it may be difficult, especially when lots of people tell you it's impossible. If you have constant recourse to prayer (and the sacraments), guard your heart, and uphold modesty, it becomes easier to stand your ground, sans the help of pseudo high-tech gadgets.

"Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it's always your choice." - Wayne Dyer

Beachy beachy

Day at the Beach by nikko1 featuring a stripe bikini

It's this blog's first summer! And because it's 38.4C outside (according to the news, that's the hottest this year yet) AND it's a Saturday, I decided I can afford to daydream about the beach.

Last year, I asked a bunch of parents where they love to go with their family in the summertime. While everyone said the beach, none of them chose Boracay. Why? Because it's not exactly family-friendly. Sure the water is blue, and the sand is fine, but the activities in Boracay cater more to the gimik-crowd: the ones who want to go partying and staying up all night.

Besides that, there's the beach fashion. Not family-friendly at all!

So...
High temperatures are no excuse to dress indecently. The truth is, you can stay cool without having to lounge about in your underwear (or their wearable-in-public fashionable cousin, the bikini). Just take a cue from the Polyvore set I made above. The trick to staying cool lies not in the amount of fabric (if it did, maxi dresses would be toasty) but in the kind of fabric, the fit of the clothes, and the color.

Some notes:
Cool fabrics
Cotton, linen, rayon let the most air in, making the clothes "breathable."

Cool fit
Loose clothing like big shirts and flowy dresses are cooler for summer because they don't cause chafing.

Cool colors
Anything that is not very dark or black is cool. You know that light is made up of different color waves. All objects reflect some light and absorb all the rest. For example, if a shirt is yellow, it means it reflects the yellow waves but absorbs all the other color waves. A red shirt reflects only red waves. But the black shirt reflects no waves, and that's why we see black. That means black shirts are the best shirts for trapping heat fast. And that's why more people like wearing white in summer.

If you really like dark colors, there's always stripes!
Image from themavenpost.com: Vogue Girl Korea, May 2011.

May these tips help you in your quest for dressing modestly in a season that encourages the opposite. Have a cool summer!

To see the Summer Sky
Is Poetry, though never in a Book it lie -
True Poems flee.
-Emily Dickinson

The pursuit of happiness

Last week, I found myself thrust into a conversation with somebody who was totally convinced that parents had no right to tell their kids, "You can't have sex till you're married." The idea was that kids have freedom and so can engage in any activity they want--meaning, when it comes to sex, parents are just supposed to toss them a condom or do something similarly "responsible."

Okay, deep breath.

The Painter's Family. Henri Matisse, 1911.

While it's true that parents can't make their kids' life choices for them, they have a responsibility to help their children make the right choice--the right choice being the one that will make them happy, whole and successful later on. That's what parenting is all about, and it begins on the very day parents become mommies and daddies. Parenting is not about controlling your kids so they only do what you want them to do; it's about working hard to raise them to be good, happy and independent adults.

That said, parents have every right to warn their children about the consequences of premarital sex, and to dissuade them from engaging in it. Yes, the decision is still the son's or daughter's, but that does not take away the fact that mom and dad's two cents matter.

One father I interviewed put it this way: "I tell my sons that premarital sex, like drunk driving, is a life-changing decision. You know that if you get drunk and you drive, you could wake up the next day recovering from a car accident, or worse, hearing news that you had severely injured or killed somebody last night, or worse still, you don't wake up at all."
 
It's the same big consequence for premarital sex: you know that if you engage in it now, you can find yourself a few months later having to give up school for the baby, having to marry the girl for the baby, considering abortion (!), or at the very least becoming completely emotionally attached to the boyfriend who decides to leave you anyway. Now, is this the way to pursue happiness?

Saying Grace. Norman Rockwell, 1951.

Like many good things, true love happens slowly. It grows as you get to know the person more in friendship, it matures as you also mature in mind and heart, and its progress is composed of many decisions that you make out of selfless love.

This is what our parents want us kids to discover, and as much as they wish to explain it to us, sadly, it does happen that the only words they are able to say are the misleading "That's bad," the explanation-warranting "Don't do it because I say so," or the rebellion-inducing "Huwag mong bahiran ng kahihiyan ang pangalan natin." (Ooh, the drama!)

It is difficult, but we have to learn to see the love behind the different permutations of those inadequate comments. We need to understand that while not all parents have the gift for words, the very fact that they're struggling with these words at all is proof of their love. It's up to us kids to repay that love with obedience.

"Where there is no obedience, there is no virtue; where there is no virtue there is no good; where good is wanting, there is no love, there is no God; where God is not, there is no Heaven."-St. Pio of Pietrelcina

The Hunger Games

I read all three books of Suzanne Collins' The Hunger Games Trilogy in the span of a week because I couldn't put them down. (That's saying a lot for me because I'm a slow reader.) There's so much to discuss about the series, but I can't tackle them all here. Maybe I'll get around to it in my other blog.

So in the books you follow Katniss Everdeen, the sharp-shooting, braid-wearing girl-on-fire from District 12. She volunteers to replace her sister at the reaping, which is when people get picked for the annual Hunger Games, a fight-to-the-death fully-televised reality game show for all of Panem to see. If you've read Shirley Jackson's The Lottery, the reaping's something like that. If you've read William Golding's The Lord of the Flies, the HG's something like that, too--except that it's set in some dystopian world, and the kids are really forced to kill each other by some sadistic, fearful, power-hungry grown-ups. 

Stills from the Hunger Games movie (2012)
 

If you've read the Twilight series, then--no matter how different Katniss and Bella Swan are--you know that the two female leads have at least one thing in common: they both are comfortable with the idea of sharing a bed with a guy (just literally sharing), and both talk about it like it's an ordinary occurrence anywhere. If anything, this comes across to me as more media mileage for The Twilight Myth.

To her credit, Collins doesn't make her characters say one thing and do another. The lying together in bed is explained as a way for Katniss and fellow tribute Peeta Mellark to cope with the nightmares that come with being in the Hunger Games. I mean, how can you not be disturbed when you've been forced to kill all the other kids just so you could survive, right?

Right.

So what's the lesson here? 
Perhaps there's nothing surprising about Katniss and Peeta finding comfort in each other's arms during the night. Actually, there's a scientific explanation for it.

Ever heard of oxytocin? Oxytocin is a hormone that your body releases when you're particularly close to someone. Moms and babies have it when they're breastfeeding--it propagates a sense of trust between the two.

The same thing happens when it comes to other people: a Katniss and a Peeta can say they sleep together to forget their nightmares. They can justify all they want about nothing happening and it being harmless and all, but it doesn't change the fact that by sharing a night together, they've taught their bodies to trust--who knows--someone they weren't supposed to in the first place.

This means...
When it comes to finding true love, a little distance is necessary. But the real reason is more than not wanting to muddle your own judgement. If you really love someone, you do not want him to muddle his judgement.

Respect, selfless love, and caring for the other's welfare... all these things come into play in real-life relationships. And contrary to what popular authors would have us believe, the best way to give them is to take a step back.


"So near is falsehood to truth that a wise man would do well not to trust himself on the narrow edge."-Marcus Tullius Cicero

That's what friends are for

It's a fact of life that friends influence one another. But most of the time, people assume it's bad influence! Why not spread what's good? Here, some questions regarding friendship and your role as an advocate of pure love:

What do I do if a friend wears a blouse with a plunging neckline or super short shorts?

As a woman, you understand how the lines of appropriate dressing can be blurred in the name of fashion. So instead of giving your friend rules like "Only wear shirts with sleeves and a neckline two fingers below the collarbone or higher," or "Only wear skirts up to the knees or longer," which, honestly, do seem to leave too little room for personal opinions, share with her some fashion magazine pictures that show women in stylish and modest clothes. Or go shopping together! With perseverance, your friendship and fashion advice can help her see that there is true freedom in choosing to dress with dignity. Plus, you both come out more stylish for it!

How can I help an unmarried friend who tells me she is pregnant?

She needs you more than ever, so don't abandon her! Listen to her, ask her how she is, and pray for her. Help her to want to make only the good choices from now on. People can be cruel to women in this situation; they gossip about her, call her names, and some even suggest abortion! As her friend, you should love her more. Don't lie to her, though: don't tell her what she did was right! But do help her see that there is always hope, even in the worst cases, and that you're gonna be there to help her make the best of the situation and get back up again. And perhaps, someday, when she's ready, she can make a good confession, which never fails to make one feel deeply happy! 

As an ordinary girl, what can I do to promote pure love?

Live it. In the way you act, in the way you dress, and in the way you speak, you're already promoting a certain stand on how a lady should behave. I'm not saying you should put on a show every minute; if purity of heart is something you deeply care about, then it will naturally flow from you! Keep on studying, strengthening and growing in your faith--that is the foundation of pure love. And keep praying for wisdom, courage, the right words, and cheerfulness--those are your fuel and ammunition. 

Then, infect all of your friends.   

"Blessed is the influence of one true, loving human soul on another."-George Eliot

John Steinbeck on love

John Steinbeck and wife Elaine. Date unknown.

Quick post. Here's a letter written in 1958 by American author John Steinbeck. He wrote it to his son Thom in response to a letter the young man sent his dad. In it, Thom says he has fallen in love with a girl named Susan at boarding school. 

If all parents wrote so beautifully, maybe more kids would listen to them; but I say children should always listen to their parents, no matter what kind of talent they have.


New York
November 10, 1958

Dear Thom:
We had your letter this morning. I will answer it from my point of view and of course Elaine will from hers.

First—if you are in love—that’s a good thing—that’s about the best thing that can happen to anyone. Don’t let anyone make it small or light to you.

Second—There are several kinds of love. One is a selfish, mean, grasping, egotistical thing which uses love for self-importance. This is the ugly and crippling kind. The other is an outpouring of everything good in you—of kindness and consideration and respect—not only the social respect of manners but the greater respect which is recognition of another person as unique and valuable. The first kind can make you sick and small and weak but the second can release in you strength, and courage and goodness and even wisdom you didn’t know you had.

You say this is not puppy love. If you feel so deeply—of course it isn’t puppy love.

But I don’t think you were asking me what you feel. You know better than anyone. What you wanted me to help you with is what to do about it—and that I can tell you.

Glory in it for one thing and be very glad and grateful for it.

The object of love is the best and most beautiful. Try to live up to it.

If you love someone—there is no possible harm in saying so—only you must remember that some people are very shy and sometimes the saying must take that shyness into consideration.

Girls have a way of knowing or feeling what you feel, but they usually like to hear it also.

It sometimes happens that what you feel is not returned for one reason or another—but that does not make your feeling less valuable and good.

Lastly, I know your feeling because I have it and I’m glad you have it.

We will be glad to meet Susan. She will be very welcome. But Elaine will make all such arrangements because that is her province and she will be very glad to. She knows about love too and maybe she can give you more help than I can.

And don’t worry about losing. If it is right, it happens—The main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away.

Love,

Fa

---

"Many receive advice, only the wise profit from it."-Harper Lee

On Happy Hearts week...

...let's talk about gifts!

It's a common practice to give gifts on Valentine's Day: chocolates, flowers, cards, and handmade stuff. At the very least, Valentine's is an occasion to share and be thoughtful. But because of advertising and marketing, it's become some overblown special day--another excuse to spend.

As my post comes too late for V-Day itself, this won't be a list of tipid tips or ideas for handmade cards. Because the day is all about love, however, this is a good time to talk about pure love as a gift. How could pure love be a gift?

Enter Kylie Bisutti.

Kylie joined a Victoria's Secret modeling contest in 2009 and won. She says she was newly married at the time--and gradually her marriage brought about a change of heart. Just last week she made it to the headlines announcing that she was going to stop modeling lingerie, which, in her words, "isn't clothing."

In an interview for Good Morning America, she says, "Just very recently, [I've been] growing in my relationship with the Lord, and my faith. I'm a strong-believing Christian. I just became so convicted about wanting to honor my husband... and wanting to be a role model for other women out there."

In a different interview, she says, "I just want to do everything I can to keep my marriage special. My body should only be for my husband and it's just a sacred thing."

What's the lesson here? 

Now, I'm not gonna write about the best gift ladies can give their future husbands because I think Kylie Bisutti has made that point clear enough.... I want this lesson to be for the guys.

When the interviewer (at Good Morning America) asks Kylie what her husband thought about her modelling, she answers that he was supportive, but adds, "I'm just so thankful that he let me grow, and let me come to this decision on my own. He obviously prayed about it. I know that now, after talking to him."

Kylie and her hubby Mike Bisutti. Image from Denimblog.

Sometimes, women buy the idea that, to be beautiful, they have to show people what they've got. If they're not careful, they also fall into that frame of mind that, to find someone who will love them and not leave them, girls have to give up everything. It is when women think this way that the need for true gentlemen becomes all the more apparent. 

We need men who are real men; men who will love us for who we are and, when we're wrong, lovingly steer us into the right direction through friendship and prayer. More than any fancy chocolate or special card, it's those two things that become the most beautiful and lasting gifts a young lady can receive during this month of hearts! Happy Valentine's Day!

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."-Lao Tzu

On protecting your lady love

Stills from Captain America: The First Avenger (2011). Chris Evans and Haley Atwell.

Guys, this post's for you.

I know how much you love your girlfriend. She is a wonderful girl with a good sense of humor. She's so lady-like and effortlessly put together that she really makes you look more like a gentleman, even in your trusty college t-shirt, rugged jeans, and favorite pair of Nike Dunks. And she needs you to protect her--at least to make sure she gets home safely, doesn't trip, slip, bump into anything, break an arm, break a leg or break her neck on your watch.

But you must remember that protecting her doesn't mean:

• you should wrap your arm around her neck and leave it there like an iron clamp when you're walking around together leisurely. She needs to breathe, you know. Besides, by just holding her hand, you can be sure to protect her adequately. (It's helpful to put your arm over her shoulder if you're guiding her through a crowd or a busy street. Always take the situation into account.)
• you should carry her purse, too. That purse does not belong on your arm--it contains all her personal effects, and besides, hindi naman iyan bagay sa 'yo.
• you should accompany her shopping. If she's with trusted girl friends or family, you can rest assured that she's in good hands. Some guys who accompany their girlfriends end up having to help judge how something looks on her in the dressing room. It's fine if she's trying on a decent dress, shoes or some work pants, but who can say when she will demand you to say something about a pair of short shorts, a corset party top or (good luck with this one) intimate apparel? Sometimes, girls don't know what's good for them so you guys have to draw a line somewhere.
• you should tell her she looks pretty when she doesn't. You may want to protect her feelings, but if by some chance your beautiful lady lets the stress from her work day make her look like a train wreck, trust me, she will appreciate being told so. That way, she can remedy it before somebody else she knows sees her. (And next time she will not be lax about her appearance around you.)

Truly protecting your lady love also means respecting her space, her things, her reputation and her personhood, besides the obvious ensuring that she gets home in one piece (inside and out) whenever you go on a date. Also, there are protective things you can do that lie beyond the frame of taking her out to dinner, to the mall or to a movie. 

You can protect her thoughts by guarding your words; protect her happiness and future by keeping your love pure and true; protect her soul by never asking her to do things she might feel guilty (or sad, or "not right") about afterwards. Most of all, you can protect her if you treat her like the lady she is without having to compromise your standing as a true gentleman. 

"Of Manners gentle, of Affections mild; In Wit a man; Simplicity, a child."-Alexander Pope

That blasted pill

'RX.' Photography series by Jonathon Kambouris. Artwork has no relation to topic at hand, but they look pretty cool! More images here.

I was having dinner with some of my cousins a few months back, and we were talking about exercise. One of them, a fitness enthusiast, got asked (as a joke), "Do you use 'roids or something?" ("'Roids" as in steroids.) He snapped, "'Roids will give me cancer. Anything that gives me cancer is not for me!"

"Now, how on earth is this connected to chastity, modesty and purity?" you ask. In a culture where these virtues are valued little, one carcinogen seems to be taken too lightly that some women pop them every morning like vitamins. Nowadays, oral contraceptives (OCs) are easily available over-the-counter when women want to "exercise their freedom of choice." It seems that many people just don't think about how these OCs increase a woman's chances of getting breast cancer.

According Dr. Virginia G. Guzman-Manzo, "Hormones are known to play a role in many cases of breast cancer. Oral and injectable contraceptives are actually made up of hormones just like those found normally in a woman, which are responsible in carrying out her reproductive functions. Many of the risk factors of developing breast cancer are related to a woman’s natural hormones. Therefore there has been considerable concern about the possible effects of OCs on breast cancer risk, especially if women take them for many years."

Another doctor, Dr. Peachie Pie Alvia, puts it more bluntly: "Alam mo, when men take those pills, they grow breasts. Paano pa kaya kung women?" (You know, when men take those pills, they grow breasts. How much more will it affect women?)

If you check out Susan G. Komen for the Cure, a website for breast cancer awareness, you'll find a risk factor table that puts "Birth control pills" under a "weak increase in risk" for breast cancer. The risk factors that pose a greater risk are things that cannot be helped: a woman's age, her childbearing history, her family history, specific characteristics of her body (such as the density of the breast) etc. This means that while much of what causes breast cancer is something you cannot do anything about, there are things you can do to lessen your risk, and not taking OCs is one of them.

Healthy ladies don't need to pollute their system with excessive hormones! And married or not, women (and men) would do well to respect the natural functions of the body, and to remember that love thinks of the other person more than the self.


"Poisons and medicine are oftentimes the same substance given with different intents."-Peter Latham

One thing leads to another

Original photo from Vogue Mexico, November 2010.

"Your life is what your thoughts make it."-Marcus Aurelius