10 things on chastity

Photo from Jason and Crystalina Evert's FB page.

On the first week of September, Jason and Crystalina Evert were here in the Philippines for a series of talks that highlighted different aspects of living the virtue of chastity, from dating to marriage, even up to teaching it to kids. Their highly popular seminar series, Romance without Regret, has helped a lot of teens understand their true worth, and how to really find true love in this day and age. I was fortunate to catch their talk for young professionals, Better Together: The Path to Real Love.

This talk focused on how men and women are different when it comes to love, attraction, and affection. They gave some pointers on how to find the right person to marry, and how to save your marriage before you tie the knot. Here are 10 things they said that I want to share.

1. Chastity is not a denial, but a virtue that helps a man love a woman. Because men’s minds are wired differently, Jason says that romantic love poses a different kind of struggle for men. Men are very visual; hence, it’s so easy for them to mix up love with lust. But chastity helps a man let go of the latter and seize the former by teaching him to put his wants aside for the benefit of his beloved. Quoting from the Song of Songs, Jason asserts that “If I cannot adequately love a woman as a sister, I utterly cannot love her as a bride.” This is the standard of chaste love.

2. Chastity gives power to a woman to know if she’s authentically being loved. On the other end of the spectrum, chastity helps women because by living this virtue, a lady can find out if her young man really loves her. There are other ways of showing affection, and if a man goes out of his way to do that, even sacrificing his own wants, then the woman can better see that this guy is really something.

3. Women nowadays hardly make it easy to be pure. An honest comment from a guy. Jason points out that the way women dress can make or break a man’s commitment to chastity. Now, some may argue that “It’s my body; I can dress it up the way I want to, and it doesn’t EVER mean I’m asking for it.” Chill. The truth is, “It’s your body, so you have the responsibility to dress it up in a way that helps people live a little better.” When you see things, it’s difficult to un-see. When you imagine things, it’s difficult to un-imagine. For guys who want to live chastity but have these images stuck in their head, Jason suggests giving love to the immodestly dressed girls (and girls who pose in racy magazines) by saying a prayer for them.

4. If I couldn’t respect my own body, how could he? In connection to dressing appropriately, Crystalina says that the way girls dress and the way they act around the guys set the bar on how they want to be treated. If a girl respects herself, the guys will see it and give her that respect. If a girl obviously doesn’t care, then it sets the stage, kind of like giving permission, for the guys to act like jerks around her.

5. You should never have to lower your standards. Know what you want in a man. After sharing her own story, Crystalina suggests that girls write down everything that they want in a man. If a guy does not qualify, don’t waste your time. Believe that the right guy is out there for you; and he will have all those qualities you want in a man. Meantime, work on being the right girl.

6. Conversion—give that gift to yourself. It may seem like a very hard thing to do (and it is!), but if you haven’t been living in the way you know you ought you should, it’s time to get up and go. Crystalina shares the story of her conversion: when she finally decided to change from her “party girl” lifestyle, she made a long list of all the things she did—and filled up five pages back to back! Then she went to confession, read all the things she wrote in there, and said them to the priest. Afterwards, she felt so good being able to crumple the five pages and toss them in the garbage bin. Conversion is really a gift—but you have to find the strength to take it.

7. Guys should initiate love. They should act decisively. Don’t be a wimp and pop the question! If a guy likes a girl, he should man up and say so. Seek her out. Make friends with her. Ask her out. Girls get crushes all the time, but they don’t really fall in love that easily. So guys have to make it happen—they have to initiate love. Remember the fox in The Little Prince? Girls are like the fox: they have to be tamed. A wimp who keeps it all to himself should feel sorry if she meets someone else and is lost to him forever.

8. We’re really different—it’s beautiful! Men and women are different, but complementary; meaning, the weakness of one is made up for by the other. So, don’t worry if he doesn’t remember the outfit you wore the first day you met, or if she doesn’t think Metallica is the coolest band that ever ruled the airwaves. These differences are what make relationships interesting. What really matters is you two should agree when it comes to the most important things (such as values and beliefs, life philosophies).

9. Freedom exists for love. I know that some people think chastity and freedom don’t jibe. How can you say you have freedom if you can’t…? But true freedom means choosing to do what is right—the right things may sometimes entail self-sacrifice, but this will be good for you in the end because it won’t put you in a bad position. If you live this kind of freedom, you will be able to love with full integrity.

10. Chastity is not killing your desire but setting it ablaze. This is about truly loving somebody! If you live chastity, you forget yourself, you put all the love into caring for the well-being of your beloved. And that love, because it is not based on physical attractions but on a determined will, grows to be stronger, fuller. It becomes true love!