I'd love to love you, but...

"This is the day your dreams come true!"
"What do you know about my dreams, Gaston?"

I've always thought about rejection as a form of character building, for ladies as much as for the gents. When a guy likes a girl, it's only natural that he tries to get to know her, make friends with her, and then later on pursue and court her. But when he gets rejected, it's an occasion to man up and perhaps pursue other things in the meantime, as the heart mends, and he moves on.

On the other hand, a lady finds herself in a more difficult position. Say, she does not like the guy at all. She has to find a way to let him know that without being uncharitable. If, say, she likes him but does not see him as a boyfriend (that is, future husband) for one reason or another, then that's another type of problem: how do you reject someone and still be friends? The last situation I can think of is if the guy is making his advances even when it's clear that the girl is unavailable, like when she has a boyfriend (!), a husband (!!), or a vocation (!!!). In these situations, the character building lies in the girl's fortitude: how to make and stand by a decision, and carry out that decision with a lot of love.

This song by the Corrs is about a girl rejecting the love offered by a guy. It's actually a very kind rejection song haha. But I think it sums up how a lady can do this with a lot of love: telling the truth, praying for the person, and trusting that time will heal all wounds. Here's the song, with the lyrics below. Enjoy!


 

LOVE TO LOVE YOU - The Corrs

I would love to love you like you do me,
I'd love to love you like you do me,
There's a pillar in my way you see,
I'd love to love you like you do me,

I, met you on a sunny Autumn day,

You instantly attracted me, when asking for the way,
God if I had known the pain I'd make you feel,
I would have stopped this thought of us, and turned upon my heel,

Though you should leave me,
Time make it be alright,
Though you must leave me,
Time will help you see the light,
You don't need me,
Time make it be alright,
Though you must leave me,
Believe me when I tell you,

I would love to love you like you do me,
I'd love to love you like you do me,
There's a pillar in my way you see,
I'd love to love you like you do me,

You recognised my barrier to love,
I know there's nothing worse than unrequited love, unrequited love,
So I prayed to God that I could give the love you gave to me,
But something's lying in my way, preventing it to be,

Though you should leave me,
Time make it be alright,
Though you must leave me,
Believe me when I tell you,

I would love to love you like you do me,
I'd love to love you like you do me,
There's a pillar in my way you see,
I'd love to love you like you do me,

I would love to love you like you do me,
I'd love to love you like you do me,
There's a pillar in my way you see,
I'd love to love you like you do me,

Break those pillars down,
Break those pillars down,
Take those pillars down, down, down,
Oh, take those pillars down,
Love to love you like you do me,
Break those pillars down,
Love to love you like you do me,
Oh take those pillars down,
Love to love you,
Love to love you,
Love to love you,
Love to love you,
Take those pillars down,
Love to love you...

Find a man with a plan!

I just stumbled upon this article in Mercatornet today, and found out that it's been up for a few months already! Where have I been? This is an article article about how women can find the right man for them. Written by Australian teacher, author, and motivational speaker Jonathan E. Doyle and Tamara Rajakariar, it's an easy-to-read Q&A that helps young women navigate through today's highly sexualized culture and come out happy and unscathed (and with a good man, too, hopefully!) in the end. Here's an excerpt--Doyle's tips on spotting what he calls the "man-boy," or the guy girls should not date.

The man-boy is pretty easy to spot. Here are a few tell-tale signs:

1. He lives at home after about 25 years.
2. He is frequently angry and blames others for his anger.
3. He spends large amounts of time playing computer games.
4. He has problems with pornography.
5. He lies, often.
6. He is unsure about career, marriage and fatherhood.
7. He wants sex as soon as possible in the relationship.
8. He has a poor or non-existent relationship with his own father.
9. He is the centre of his own universe.
10.He has problems with alcohol or other substances.
11.He is sexually unfaithful and blames either the situation, women or alcohol for his own choices.
12.He lacks a clear and compelling life vision.

Now, where can I get a copy of this book?

"Immature love says, 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says, 'I need you because I love you.'"-Erich Fromm

'I thought she was smart'

Whenever I hear the words "I thought she was smart" in reference to a piece of news about someone getting pregnant out of wedlock, I always sincerely hope the speaker is referring to prudence, modesty and chastity, because if anything, those are the three things a young woman really needs in a culture that is permissive of sexual intimacy outside of marriage.

But language being what it is, I can't help noticing how such a comment can have a double meaning--doesn't "smart" sound a bit too... calculating? Something like, "Hey if this lady thought ahead and took some form of contraception, then she wouldn't be having this problem right now."

That comment actually makes me ask: would contraception have done anything good for the young woman in this situation? Sure, you could say the contraception works; she doesn't get pregnant. What then? Does the doing the deed make her happier? their relationship stronger? Does getting what she wants now build her character? Is she helping her boyfriend grow in virtue? How will a contraceptive mindset help them both when they're married?

Not to mention the many what ifs:
What if the contraception doesn't work? (No contraception method is 100% efficient)
What if the boyfriend leaves her eventually?
What if she gets sick?


Non-existent
Contraception becomes easy to accept if you only look at short term goals--and that's exactly why contraception is unacceptable. Because when it comes to finding true love, there is no such thing as a short term goal. Contraception doesn't help anyone grow in the virtues of selflessness, self mastery, temperance, and generosity--all of which a person needs in marriage. And what is a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship if not a preparation for marriage? that is, a marriage that lasts?

Forget "smart." IQ has nothing to do with having the will to save it for the person who respects you, loves you, and treats you well. What matters is having your heart in the right place, and making up your mind not to give it up at the wrong time and circumstance--for your protection, and his!

You want a love that lasts, right? So, don't calculate... wait.


"The sea does not reward those who are too anxious, too greedy, or too impatient. One should lie empty, open, choiceless as a beach--waiting for a gift from the sea."-Anne Morrow Lindbergh

On Happy Hearts week...

...let's talk about gifts!

It's a common practice to give gifts on Valentine's Day: chocolates, flowers, cards, and handmade stuff. At the very least, Valentine's is an occasion to share and be thoughtful. But because of advertising and marketing, it's become some overblown special day--another excuse to spend.

As my post comes too late for V-Day itself, this won't be a list of tipid tips or ideas for handmade cards. Because the day is all about love, however, this is a good time to talk about pure love as a gift. How could pure love be a gift?

Enter Kylie Bisutti.

Kylie joined a Victoria's Secret modeling contest in 2009 and won. She says she was newly married at the time--and gradually her marriage brought about a change of heart. Just last week she made it to the headlines announcing that she was going to stop modeling lingerie, which, in her words, "isn't clothing."

In an interview for Good Morning America, she says, "Just very recently, [I've been] growing in my relationship with the Lord, and my faith. I'm a strong-believing Christian. I just became so convicted about wanting to honor my husband... and wanting to be a role model for other women out there."

In a different interview, she says, "I just want to do everything I can to keep my marriage special. My body should only be for my husband and it's just a sacred thing."

What's the lesson here? 

Now, I'm not gonna write about the best gift ladies can give their future husbands because I think Kylie Bisutti has made that point clear enough.... I want this lesson to be for the guys.

When the interviewer (at Good Morning America) asks Kylie what her husband thought about her modelling, she answers that he was supportive, but adds, "I'm just so thankful that he let me grow, and let me come to this decision on my own. He obviously prayed about it. I know that now, after talking to him."

Kylie and her hubby Mike Bisutti. Image from Denimblog.

Sometimes, women buy the idea that, to be beautiful, they have to show people what they've got. If they're not careful, they also fall into that frame of mind that, to find someone who will love them and not leave them, girls have to give up everything. It is when women think this way that the need for true gentlemen becomes all the more apparent. 

We need men who are real men; men who will love us for who we are and, when we're wrong, lovingly steer us into the right direction through friendship and prayer. More than any fancy chocolate or special card, it's those two things that become the most beautiful and lasting gifts a young lady can receive during this month of hearts! Happy Valentine's Day!

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."-Lao Tzu

One thing leads to another

Original photo from Vogue Mexico, November 2010.

"Your life is what your thoughts make it."-Marcus Aurelius

Saying no

"May I have this dance, Miss Elizabeth?"

(Pride and Prejudice, 2005)

Alaine and Gerry are girlfriend and boyfriend. They like eating in Asian restaurants, bowling, and watching movies. On some occasions, she invites him to dinner with her friends, and he invites her to play sports with his friends. One day, the two were walking along a strip of restaurants near Gerry's new flat.

He asks, "Would you like to go up and see it?"

Alaine considers for a bit. She is interested to look at his new flat--Gerry has talked about it a lot. But she makes up her mind and says, "No, there's nobody up there."

Sometimes, love means saying "No." Ladies don't know the power they have to turn men into gentlemen with just a simple word. That's because it is just presumed that men must always take the lead. In truth, men only propose; the decision is always the ladies'.

That said, ladies must understand how to wield their two-letter sword:

• Go into specifics. Setting standards is meaningless if you don't draw a clear line somewhere. Don't just resolve to "Save sex for marriage," but make a list of actions you feel are inappropriate and avoid them. When you're sure about what you don't want to do, your "No" becomes firm.  
• Making a firm "No" in little things makes the "No" in big things come easier. Practice makes perfect. Don't listen to that little voice that says, "It's just a little thing." Remember that many little things add up to a big thing, not to mention it weakens your resolve to stick to any principle that you value. 
• No one should feel bad for saying "No." Don't think you're hurting his feelings. If it's good for him (and you) then it will make him happy in the long run. Besides, saying "No" is character building for both of you. Promise!

How does "No" build character anyway?
From childhood, we learn that not everything that we want we will get. Those who don't learn that are called a certain S-word. They go about life thinking they're entitled to everything, and cannot suffer consequences for their actions. They're the ones who cry "Freedom of expression!" when their work or behavior oversteps the line, the ones who blame the school for their failing grades, and the ones who don't worry about who they crush when they're out to get what they want.

Imagine a world full of men like that, and then remember who, between a man and a woman, is always on the receiving end of an invitation. Now, can you see how much power you have with a "No"?

"To keep your character intact you cannot stoop to filthy acts. It makes it easier to stoop the next time."  -Katharine Hepburn