Quick tips for Guys: Relationship Rules of Thumb

I know you guys don't like reading long stuff so this will be quick. Here are a few pointers to help ease that daunting task of finding the right girl.

1) Date only the girl you can see as your girlfriend. Make friends with a lot of girls, but ask out the one you feel is the one whose hand you want to hold.

2) Go steady only with the girl you can see as your wife. As you get to know your date more, you can think seriously on asking her to be your girlfriend only if you want her to be the one you will grow old with.

3) Marry only the woman you can love as a sister. Sounds weird, but let me explain. The big difference between courtship and marriage is that marriage is the next step in a loving relationship: it includes giving of the self in order to become one and to have kids. Okay, so maybe some people will tell you otherwise, but you can't deny that this is the natural and basic thing. SO, if you can love that woman for her whole being, without thinking of sex; if you can love her with a will to protect her as you would your mother or your sister, then she may just be the right girl.

I use "may" because these pointers are here only to help you when you're thinking things through. As in every thing, pray hard about it before making the next step. Love is not just about feelings; most of the time, the feelings are only there at the start. To love is a decision, so you have to make it with your full will, with faith, and with perseverance. It may sound difficult here, but it's not when you put your heart in the right place and keep it pure.

Good luck! :-)

10 things on chastity

Photo from Jason and Crystalina Evert's FB page.

On the first week of September, Jason and Crystalina Evert were here in the Philippines for a series of talks that highlighted different aspects of living the virtue of chastity, from dating to marriage, even up to teaching it to kids. Their highly popular seminar series, Romance without Regret, has helped a lot of teens understand their true worth, and how to really find true love in this day and age. I was fortunate to catch their talk for young professionals, Better Together: The Path to Real Love.

This talk focused on how men and women are different when it comes to love, attraction, and affection. They gave some pointers on how to find the right person to marry, and how to save your marriage before you tie the knot. Here are 10 things they said that I want to share.

1. Chastity is not a denial, but a virtue that helps a man love a woman. Because men’s minds are wired differently, Jason says that romantic love poses a different kind of struggle for men. Men are very visual; hence, it’s so easy for them to mix up love with lust. But chastity helps a man let go of the latter and seize the former by teaching him to put his wants aside for the benefit of his beloved. Quoting from the Song of Songs, Jason asserts that “If I cannot adequately love a woman as a sister, I utterly cannot love her as a bride.” This is the standard of chaste love.

2. Chastity gives power to a woman to know if she’s authentically being loved. On the other end of the spectrum, chastity helps women because by living this virtue, a lady can find out if her young man really loves her. There are other ways of showing affection, and if a man goes out of his way to do that, even sacrificing his own wants, then the woman can better see that this guy is really something.

3. Women nowadays hardly make it easy to be pure. An honest comment from a guy. Jason points out that the way women dress can make or break a man’s commitment to chastity. Now, some may argue that “It’s my body; I can dress it up the way I want to, and it doesn’t EVER mean I’m asking for it.” Chill. The truth is, “It’s your body, so you have the responsibility to dress it up in a way that helps people live a little better.” When you see things, it’s difficult to un-see. When you imagine things, it’s difficult to un-imagine. For guys who want to live chastity but have these images stuck in their head, Jason suggests giving love to the immodestly dressed girls (and girls who pose in racy magazines) by saying a prayer for them.

4. If I couldn’t respect my own body, how could he? In connection to dressing appropriately, Crystalina says that the way girls dress and the way they act around the guys set the bar on how they want to be treated. If a girl respects herself, the guys will see it and give her that respect. If a girl obviously doesn’t care, then it sets the stage, kind of like giving permission, for the guys to act like jerks around her.

5. You should never have to lower your standards. Know what you want in a man. After sharing her own story, Crystalina suggests that girls write down everything that they want in a man. If a guy does not qualify, don’t waste your time. Believe that the right guy is out there for you; and he will have all those qualities you want in a man. Meantime, work on being the right girl.

6. Conversion—give that gift to yourself. It may seem like a very hard thing to do (and it is!), but if you haven’t been living in the way you know you ought you should, it’s time to get up and go. Crystalina shares the story of her conversion: when she finally decided to change from her “party girl” lifestyle, she made a long list of all the things she did—and filled up five pages back to back! Then she went to confession, read all the things she wrote in there, and said them to the priest. Afterwards, she felt so good being able to crumple the five pages and toss them in the garbage bin. Conversion is really a gift—but you have to find the strength to take it.

7. Guys should initiate love. They should act decisively. Don’t be a wimp and pop the question! If a guy likes a girl, he should man up and say so. Seek her out. Make friends with her. Ask her out. Girls get crushes all the time, but they don’t really fall in love that easily. So guys have to make it happen—they have to initiate love. Remember the fox in The Little Prince? Girls are like the fox: they have to be tamed. A wimp who keeps it all to himself should feel sorry if she meets someone else and is lost to him forever.

8. We’re really different—it’s beautiful! Men and women are different, but complementary; meaning, the weakness of one is made up for by the other. So, don’t worry if he doesn’t remember the outfit you wore the first day you met, or if she doesn’t think Metallica is the coolest band that ever ruled the airwaves. These differences are what make relationships interesting. What really matters is you two should agree when it comes to the most important things (such as values and beliefs, life philosophies).

9. Freedom exists for love. I know that some people think chastity and freedom don’t jibe. How can you say you have freedom if you can’t…? But true freedom means choosing to do what is right—the right things may sometimes entail self-sacrifice, but this will be good for you in the end because it won’t put you in a bad position. If you live this kind of freedom, you will be able to love with full integrity.

10. Chastity is not killing your desire but setting it ablaze. This is about truly loving somebody! If you live chastity, you forget yourself, you put all the love into caring for the well-being of your beloved. And that love, because it is not based on physical attractions but on a determined will, grows to be stronger, fuller. It becomes true love!

Homosexuality and chastity

The other night, as My Husband’s Lover was running on the boob tube, my sisters asked me for my stand on “same-sex marriage.” I said I am against it, but I wasn’t able to explain it very well. So let me use this chastity blog as a venue to do so.

Let me start by saying that people who have same sex attraction did not choose to have them. Nobody knows the cause of homosexuality; but studies point to nurture rather than nature (i.e., there is no gay gene). Though same sex attraction occurs, it is not normal. If it were, then there would be more people who were gay, say at least 50 percent of the population.

Now, my main objection against marriage between two men (or two women) stems from the need to live a pure life. A virtue that teaches each individual to love, chastity is for all: single people, married people, straight and gay people. Living chastity means loving without lusting, and respecting the body and soul of the beloved. That’s why single people are called to wait till marriage, and married people are called to fidelity and openness to life. It’s simply the way to love without being selfish, and it’s the only way that leads to happiness because it does not create complications, because it helps each person live in integrity.

People with same-sex attraction are called to living this very same chastity. It is harder, because the person they love is automatically off-limits. But, come to think of it, this is the same struggle that even straight people face. You can’t have just anybody—relationships should be founded on a true and right love. Common knowledge: If a woman falls in love with a married man, she has to squelch that love because the man is off-limits. If a man falls in love with a nun, he has to squelch that love too, because the woman is off-limits.

I’ve tried explaining this to a friend once; she asked, “If that’s the case, won’t it be dooming them to live a life of never finding happiness and true love?” Not really, because if the relationship is not based on a true and right love, and if it doesn’t let you live the virtue of chastity, then it’s doomed not to last anyway—where’s the happiness and true love in that? I type the rest of the conversation for rumination.

“Why would it be wrong if they love each other anyhow and their love is sincere?”
“In the end, people want to have long and lasting love, and to get that, it takes more than love being mutual and sincere.”
“My gay best friend has long lasting relationships naman.”
“How long?”
“The last one was three years.”

In another post, we can talk about legalizing “same-sex marriage” and its implications.

Jason and Crystalina Evert

Can we get any luckier than this?

You're invited to attend and ask all the questions you need. These guys are really good speakers, on top of the fact that they give really good advice, especially on matters of love, relationships, chastity, and marriage. Taralet's!

Listen to Daddy

I really find this cartoon funny:

It's from Star Wars: Vader's Little Princess by Jeffrey Brown. While I don't think Vader was actually lucky enough to raise his twins (there's a Luke version of this book, too, called Darth Vader and Son), I find the concept amusing, and the book a pleasant read (those illustrations are so charming!).

It revolves around the idea that, if Darth Vader was able to raise his own kids, what kind of parent would he have been? It's funny, because you have all these images, depicting scenes of one of the most awesome/awful villains of all time... doing just the things every ordinary parent does.

The picture above is one of those things that parents always do--particularly dads. And if, like me, you don't have brothers, it's wise to listen to Papa Dear before going out the door--and I don't mean just before a date, but also for any occasion. Dads, being men, know how men will see you if you wear a particular outfit. Needless to say, anything too short at the bottom, too low at the top, or bare at the back will not pass a father's standards--so why should it pass yours?

When it comes to modesty and appropriate attire, sometimes the rules of proper skirt lengths, sleeve lengths, or collar cuts can feel really stifling. Instead of such rules I prefer going the practical way, like: clothes have to help you move around with ease, bend without worry, and take the bus/jeep/train without coming undone. But of course, when you feel that you don't know better, take a leaf from the Vader  book and rely on a trusted source--and the rule goes: If you have to sneak out of the house so Daddy doesn't see you wearing that thing, better change it now.

“I believe that what we become depends on what our fathers teach us at odd moments, when they aren't trying to teach us. We are formed by little scraps of wisdom.”-Umberto Eco, Foucault's Pendulum

I'd love to love you, but...

"This is the day your dreams come true!"
"What do you know about my dreams, Gaston?"

I've always thought about rejection as a form of character building, for ladies as much as for the gents. When a guy likes a girl, it's only natural that he tries to get to know her, make friends with her, and then later on pursue and court her. But when he gets rejected, it's an occasion to man up and perhaps pursue other things in the meantime, as the heart mends, and he moves on.

On the other hand, a lady finds herself in a more difficult position. Say, she does not like the guy at all. She has to find a way to let him know that without being uncharitable. If, say, she likes him but does not see him as a boyfriend (that is, future husband) for one reason or another, then that's another type of problem: how do you reject someone and still be friends? The last situation I can think of is if the guy is making his advances even when it's clear that the girl is unavailable, like when she has a boyfriend (!), a husband (!!), or a vocation (!!!). In these situations, the character building lies in the girl's fortitude: how to make and stand by a decision, and carry out that decision with a lot of love.

This song by the Corrs is about a girl rejecting the love offered by a guy. It's actually a very kind rejection song haha. But I think it sums up how a lady can do this with a lot of love: telling the truth, praying for the person, and trusting that time will heal all wounds. Here's the song, with the lyrics below. Enjoy!


 

LOVE TO LOVE YOU - The Corrs

I would love to love you like you do me,
I'd love to love you like you do me,
There's a pillar in my way you see,
I'd love to love you like you do me,

I, met you on a sunny Autumn day,

You instantly attracted me, when asking for the way,
God if I had known the pain I'd make you feel,
I would have stopped this thought of us, and turned upon my heel,

Though you should leave me,
Time make it be alright,
Though you must leave me,
Time will help you see the light,
You don't need me,
Time make it be alright,
Though you must leave me,
Believe me when I tell you,

I would love to love you like you do me,
I'd love to love you like you do me,
There's a pillar in my way you see,
I'd love to love you like you do me,

You recognised my barrier to love,
I know there's nothing worse than unrequited love, unrequited love,
So I prayed to God that I could give the love you gave to me,
But something's lying in my way, preventing it to be,

Though you should leave me,
Time make it be alright,
Though you must leave me,
Believe me when I tell you,

I would love to love you like you do me,
I'd love to love you like you do me,
There's a pillar in my way you see,
I'd love to love you like you do me,

I would love to love you like you do me,
I'd love to love you like you do me,
There's a pillar in my way you see,
I'd love to love you like you do me,

Break those pillars down,
Break those pillars down,
Take those pillars down, down, down,
Oh, take those pillars down,
Love to love you like you do me,
Break those pillars down,
Love to love you like you do me,
Oh take those pillars down,
Love to love you,
Love to love you,
Love to love you,
Love to love you,
Take those pillars down,
Love to love you...

"New Adult," anyone?

Young girl reading by Federico Zandomeneghi

Thanks to Tiger Print, I came across this new category in Young Adult (YA) literature--what they call "New Adult" literature. What is this New Adult?

"New Adult," Katie Hinderer writes, "targets the same audience as young adult. [It] is what some consider literature for the current hook-up generation. The New Adult books all have descriptive sexual encounters between the two, usually high school-aged, main characters, which of course is a defining moment for the relationship."

The universal theme of love for the YA group has been transformed into a new (and narrow) concept--a pseudo-romantic, emotion-based, sexual kind of love. The group formerly concerned about how Wilbur escapes his fate with Charlotte's creative weaving scheme, how Jonas would come to understand what love is through the Memories from the Giver, how Leigh Botts would pick up the pieces of his broken home, or how Leslie Burke would pull Jess Aarons out of his fears through their friendship and Terabithia, is now being served up stories of sexually-charged relationships with a spatter of violence here and there. Supposedly this is what the YA group wants nowadays.

Sure, it's only fiction, but last time I checked, fiction is supposed to be believable, with characters who change for the better because of the experiences they are put through. That's putting it in a box, but you get the picture. Young readers deserve to read fiction that empowers them to make good choices. They need fiction that will help shape their minds and hearts so they grow up to be well-rounded and responsible adults, with a healthy view of sex, love, and relationships.  

I wish more writers and publishers would put more value in the content, and not just churn out what seems to be "hot" right now, for the sake of making more money.